Cover me in love

“Will you cover me
please, every inch of me with
every inch of you?”

How Old Are You?

Last week I was in a 7-hour long discussion with 2 (the third wasn’t on this career track) capable individuals in their late 20’s. They both have made quite a bit of income from their business prospects (both worked in construction and management). One is quite an entrepreneur, and the other is moving towards it.

Before I left the US, I was getting quite into this whole productivity, 4-hour work week, entrepreneurship stuff, so I was able to really keep up and participate well in the conversation. I felt the main difference between them and I wasn’t in mentality or knowledge (per say) but in experience. I don’t have a background in business or economics, and money is never my top priority. I think money and making it has always scared me to some degree or another.

Regardless, that conversation, and the quote that I posted yesterday culminated in a lot of worry and stress. I basically realized that the lost and confused feelings I confessed to having before were symptomatic of something akin to a quarter-life crisis.

Fun facts I researched about a quarter-life crisis!

The Bite of Regret

“Uncertainty is the worst of all evils until the moment when reality makes us regret uncertainty.”

-Alphonse Karr

Who you are by who you love

“Tell me whom you love and I will tell you who you are.”

- Houssaye

Mew

I think we all reach a point in our lives where we just want to mewl mommy and hope that someone responds. Someone bigger and stronger and softer, and sweeps us into their arms and everything is now safe. I used to love the nooks of my mother’s elbows and shoulders and arms. I would try to hide there, as children often do, in plain sight, in my mother’s arms.

Maybe that’s why I’m small. I never wanted to get bigger, so I could always be nook-sized. Obviously that’s absurd.

It’s not that anything terrible is occurring. By all means, I have adapted rather quickly. Locals are shocked to know that I’ve only been here for roughly two weeks, because of my ease with the location and mannerisms. I am not unhappy. I could live in Bangkok, easily, and happily if I wanted. I the problem is my want. It’s not that I don’t want to stay, but there is nothing to tether myself to. I think that’s why I feel lonely.

Someone told me today in a mocking manner, you must be a very lonely person. Yet, I felt that it wasn’t completely a lie.

I am surrounded by life, and a lot of good people. I have actually made some strong Thai friendships. I have job offers. I have threesome offers. I am anything but bored and alone.

Yet loneliness is in a different realm. The people that I love, and the people that love me, are not here.

I just started crying just a little bit, sitting in a public internet cafe, talking to my mother on Skype. I don’t think I did this when I was abroad for a year. I never feel nostalgic and my family isn’t very close to one another. I don’t know what it is about right now, but sometimes, like now, my heart will throb painfully. I feel, for the moment, like a daughter. I used to be quite obsessed with my mother when I was younger. Only her voice would soothe me. I would even cry over weekends at my grandparents’ houses, as dearly as I loved them, it was my mother I felt the pang for. I don’t know how old I was when I couldn’t even hug her anymore. I don’t remember what tore us apart. Where I didn’t need mommy, or even a mother anymore. Where I suddenly was, just alone.

I think that’s the thing. What I said before about the tethering. I need to be somewhere where I belong. Where someone or something cares if I stay or go. I want to be bound to a place. Otherwise, every place is like every other place.

 

New Travel Blog

Since I am still working on the whole internet/laptop issue my updates have become a crawl.

Yet, I do have a new blog for my travel stuff. It’s sparse, but hopefully I can get the ball rolling soon!

 

So, sorry for not updating. My laptop was stolen.

I am working on getting a new one.

So bear with me.

Landed.

I’m finally in Bangkok. Everything is a bit crazy.

Will update soon. Maybe?

At least I’m alive.

Temporary

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”

- Lance Armstrong

Trust Me

“I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish he didn’t trust me so much.”

- Mother Teresa