Mew

I think we all reach a point in our lives where we just want to mewl mommy and hope that someone responds. Someone bigger and stronger and softer, and sweeps us into their arms and everything is now safe. I used to love the nooks of my mother’s elbows and shoulders and arms. I would try to hide there, as children often do, in plain sight, in my mother’s arms.

Maybe that’s why I’m small. I never wanted to get bigger, so I could always be nook-sized. Obviously that’s absurd.

It’s not that anything terrible is occurring. By all means, I have adapted rather quickly. Locals are shocked to know that I’ve only been here for roughly two weeks, because of my ease with the location and mannerisms. I am not unhappy. I could live in Bangkok, easily, and happily if I wanted. I the problem is my want. It’s not that I don’t want to stay, but there is nothing to tether myself to. I think that’s why I feel lonely.

Someone told me today in a mocking manner, you must be a very lonely person. Yet, I felt that it wasn’t completely a lie.

I am surrounded by life, and a lot of good people. I have actually made some strong Thai friendships. I have job offers. I have threesome offers. I am anything but bored and alone.

Yet loneliness is in a different realm. The people that I love, and the people that love me, are not here.

I just started crying just a little bit, sitting in a public internet cafe, talking to my mother on Skype. I don’t think I did this when I was abroad for a year. I never feel nostalgic and my family isn’t very close to one another. I don’t know what it is about right now, but sometimes, like now, my heart will throb painfully. I feel, for the moment, like a daughter. I used to be quite obsessed with my mother when I was younger. Only her voice would soothe me. I would even cry over weekends at my grandparents’ houses, as dearly as I loved them, it was my mother I felt the pang for. I don’t know how old I was when I couldn’t even hug her anymore. I don’t remember what tore us apart. Where I didn’t need mommy, or even a mother anymore. Where I suddenly was, just alone.

I think that’s the thing. What I said before about the tethering. I need to be somewhere where I belong. Where someone or something cares if I stay or go. I want to be bound to a place. Otherwise, every place is like every other place.

 

Landed.

I’m finally in Bangkok. Everything is a bit crazy.

Will update soon. Maybe?

At least I’m alive.

Stories From Away

I made four videos this past year about my year studying abroad and the transformations and challenges that I experienced. I made them for my school’s study abroad department, in hopes of connecting to other students. I made the videos in the hope that my stories might help others get the most out of their travels, but also cope better with coming back.

Feel free to check out the other videos and let me know what you think.

No Going Back Now

I will have both visas by Monday. I bought my ticket. One way to Bangkok on November 8th. I will land in Bangkok, in the afternoon on the 10th. That flight might be the death of me. I’m going to be in Thailand for two months, and then in January I am heading to India. I don’t know what’s going to happen in February and onwards.

It’s now suddenly very real.